Over on the Newsletter

Hey folks, it turned out I had a few more topics to discuss for Let's Talk About Fictional Sex. The posts are linkied in the newsletter or if you purchased the ebook, uploads of the adddtional contet have been pushed out to retailers.

What Sports Demonstrates About Athleticism and Consent

People much smarter than I have already talked about the importance of protecting one's body and soul, even if you are an athlete, and even or perhaps especially in a pandemic. 

I want to talk about two things: athleticism and consent. 

On the athleticism front I think there is a weird thing that sometimes happens in sports, where we assume the sporting is a prelude. Like obviously so-and-do will win and we're all just here to watch it. Except obviously not, or we could just hand out trophies. Those other folks - sure not all of them expect to win each day, but you don't have to travel across the world and sleep in a strange bed just to run, or swim, or do back flips. 

Sports is about the unexpected. This is why I am fascinated when the weather factors in. The story could and often should be about the folks who had a great day, not just who wasn't. 

On the consent front, one of the most challenging things about consent is that we tell everyone it is an ongoing conversation and yet we don't really mean it. Let me tell a story, I swear is related. 

I had a train ticket and the folks I was visiting said, oh, let's go to breakfast beforehand. In the discussion the night before the cafe at the train station had been mentioned, so I assumed it was an option being considered. That morning there was some texting with one party and some focus on other things. And then it was decided we should breakfast. I mentioned the cafe at the station and was vetoed. Three other options were mentioned, including one that the last time I ate at it took two hours to complete our meal and we were now just over an hour from my train. 

I picked the one closest to the station, when I expressed time concerns, I was told that everything was very close and it was a weekday, nowhere would be busy. 

Well, we got to said place, and there were people standing around near the entrance clearly waiting to be called for a table. 

At this point I rescinded my vote for said place because by the time we got on the list, got a table, it would be too much to expect a packed restaurant to turn over our food that quickly and it would mean eating in a rush. 

So then we (after another attempt at an order and pay first place) we ended up at the train station cafe where we all finished well before the train arrived. 

So, the thing with consent is, you agree to do (or not do) something based on the information and circumstances you are aware of at the time. Sometimes you sleep like crap, sometimes there's way more traffic than you planned for, sometimes once you get there, the things you were expecting aren't as you expected. And we have to be okay with people changing based on new information, even if that information exists inside their own body. 

LTAFS Wraps Up

In the last post for Let's Talk About Fictional Sex, we had the Question Box.  

And the ebook version of the series is now available.

If you found this newsletter entry before the others, here's the info: Let's Talk About Fictional Sex: Writing Sex Scenes That Deepen Character Sex scenes provide authors an opportunity to explore their characters more deeply. (Pun intended!) Fiction is not a how-to manual, but sex scenes are about more than how much description the author dedicates to the act. The choices characters make, from communication to contraception, are an often underutilized way to demonstrate your character's experiences and expectations of both the world and their relationship expectations. In this series, we'll take a look at some of the basics of how the choices characters make regarding reveal their character. Started as a newsletter series, but expanded into ebook form. Universal link here: https://books2read.com/u/3RnRqL 

   

Newsletter posts will return to every other week for a while.  It was a fun run though.  

LTAFS And LGSAP

The next two posts for Let's Talk About Fictional Sex are up: 

Sex and Power Dynamics

Sex Scenes and Character Dynamics

And for an entirely different topic, I was back on the Let's Go Steal a Podcast to talk about the pentultimate episode of the original run of "Leverage" - "The Toy Job".  

LTAFS 16 and 17

This week in Let's Talk About Fictional Sex we have: Ableism and Sex Sex and Mood Altering Substances

Reading Roundup and LTAFS

I took a very brief pause in the Let's Talk About Fictional Sex series to post my first quarter reading round up.  

And then dove back in with LTAFS Sex and Money. 

LTAFS 11 and 12

Let's Talk About Fictional Sex posts 11 and 12 are up:
Let's Talk Outercourse
Contraception Why?

LTAFS 9 & 10

This week's Let's Talk About Fictional Sex posts are up: 

Dating - There's an App for That

Infections, Disease, and Pregnancy Are Not Morality

And yes, the series has been moved over to Buttondown. 

Edited to remove note about prior links.

LTAFS 7 and 8

For eagle eyed or perhaps just better at counting than I readers, I did not skip post 6, there are two 4's.  Or were, before I edited that post.  Anyway we have: 

Consent, Boundaries, and Other Forms of Communication - Part 2

Prior History

Edited to update links.

LTAFS 5 & 6

The next two posts are up:

Attraction is a Spectrum

Consent, Boundaries, and Other Forms of Communication Part 1

Edited to correct counting.

Edited to update links.

LTAFS 3 & 4

The next two posts for the Let's Talk About Fictional Sex series are up:

Religion and Sex

Gender is a Spectrum

Edited to update links.

Let's Talk About Fictional Sex (LTAFS) 1 & 2

The first two posts for Let's Talk About Fictional Sex are up: 

-Novels are Not Instruction Manuals

-Sexuality and Values are Intertwined

Edited to update links.

Announcement - Let's Talk About Fictional Sex

Over on the newsletter, I announcement the newsletter series I'm starting next week - Let's Talk About Fictional Sex.  The longer version is here.  The TL:DR version is basically, I'm putting together a series to talk about the things authors, writers, creators should think about in terms of the sexual dynamics they depict, and how sex scenes are a chance to better demonstrate who characters are.  Some of the pieces will be behind a subscription/paywall, some will not.  And then I'm going to compile these entries into a book.  Right now, I have over twenty pieces planned.  There may be more as we get deeper into this.  (Yeah, I saw that entendre and I left it there.) 

Edited to update link

Consent and Power Imbalances

As someone who has worked with teens, I have been through many workshops, and signed many forms where I agree to several things.  It is entirely age appropriate for teenagers to explore and possibly redefine their sexual identity.  There are tons of ways for them to do this that are also appropriate in communal settings.  So, acting as a chaperone or facilitator or responsible adult may mean I witness these teens expressing themselves in ways that indicate that they are in fact sexual beings.  However, as the adult with the veto power, I exist in a place where I constantly have more power.  What they may be doing is entirely appropriate, my job is to maintain the space in which they do this.  

As an adult it is also natural and appropriate for me to engage in behavior befitting my place in this world as a sexual being.  However, when I have my responsible adult hat on, what is appropriate for me to be engaging in in that moment, in that space, is not the same as what is appropriate and allowed  for those teens. I teach sex ed, so I often talk about sex with teens, but we are doing so in a specific, here are the facts way.  I am talking about it the same way I would talk about voting rights, or history.  I am not sharing personal experiences.  We may reach a place where they feel incredibly comfortable sharing very personal information with me, and my job is to trust, and hold that, to continue to create a space where they can work to be their best selves.  

So, all of this is to say, teacher/student stuff has always been a huge hard stop for me.  It's not cute to me.  It's not adorable to me if they met somewhere else, or the student is wise beyond their years.  I'm not saying books cannot contain problematic behavior.  They can.  I'm not saying there isn't space for non-consensual behavior in books.  There is.  But these things are not romance.  We say a lot that there's one rule in romance, the happily ever after.  And relationships founded on power imbalance and lack of consent do not lead to happily ever afters.  Is there a way to do this?  Yes, but the stories that keep coming up are tittering at their pushing the boundaries.  People who think consent is a cute boundary to push are not trying to write a thoughtful way through this.  

If an author wants to write taboos they can.  If a publisher says that they are reviewing a book now that sensitivities have been raised when they are releasing an erotic romance line I have concerns.  It should not have gotten to the point of arcs for someone to say high schooler and teacher is problematic no matter the age of the high schooler. I personally am not even a fan of college student TA hookups, but that's a not for me good for you squick line.  High schooler and teacher is problematic.  The whole point of it is that it's problematic (I am saying this because I read the Edelweiss description which is all the first problem is...so the marketing is about how it's problematic).  If no one in the line of acquiring editors thought that was problematic until the internet pointed it out that points to an even bigger problem.  

So, I am glad it's being reviewed. I hope it is either not published or published with drastic story changes. And no, I don't think that's censorship.  I think there's no way to publish this as romance.  So something would have to give. 

Why Just Say No Doesn't Work for Drugs or Sex

Friendly reminder that I teach comprehensive sex ed in my spare time. I was the beneficiary of comprehensive sex ed starting in fifth grade. I believe that sex, sexuality, and sexual expression are natural parts of our lives, and the idea that children will be magically provided the necessary information at the point they are emotionally and physically ready without any prior preparation is ridiculous.  

Drugs are a little different. But at some point in most everyone's life whether it's alcohol or prescription meds, most people will encounter drugs in some form.  So, again, I do think learning a little about how different substances act on bodies is useful so that you don't go off what some random person tells you.  Ideally this would - just as comprehensive sex ed does, look at consequences. Not just legal, but how these various drugs act on your body not only through the high, but also through the withdrawal or hangover.  And talking about what responsible and legal drinking looks like so that we don't learn all of this through trial and error.  

One of the things we talk about in our sex ed curriculum is that substances you are not familiar with can affect your decision making, and talk with the students about why that might mean getting drunk or high at a party where you don't know people might not be a great idea.  What to do if your friend suddenly seems out of it, and is being led away by someone you don't know.  

This is a common refrain for me, but we insist that to be useful adults, teenagers need experience learning languages, math, and science, even if they are planning a career that doesn't require all of these things.  We require it not to torture them, but because the critical thinking skills and language affinity skills are useful in a lot of ways later.  

I think dealing with sex and drugs is similar.  We don't expect high schoolers to be ready to be translators at the UN without further study.  But we are stuck on this idea that teaching kids about sex or drugs with any sort of depth or nuance means they will think we are telling them they are all set to go.  It ignores the idea that part of what we should be teaching is how to make the best choices for themselves, how to practice having tough conversations, and how to have discussions about what healthy boundaries look like for them.  Adults often have trouble with this.  Partly because it's hard.  And partly because we don't practice. We teach kids CPR in case they could help someone.  Teaching them how to say, I am open to this but not that is just as important.  

So, the suggestion we revive the DARE program saddens me.  We already know telling kids all drugs are bad doesn't work.  Because even if they believe it in the moment, they will go home and watch someone drink a beer and not die.  What it instead teaches them is that adults are not trustworthy sources about drugs. And that helps no one. 

Belated World Aids Day Reflection

It was World AIDS Day yesterday, and that seems like a good time to talk a little about AIDS and HIV. Recently a certain celebrity revealed they are HIV positive.  Not because they wished to share this with the world.  No, instead because they had been blackmailed.  Which sucks.  People in the US have their health information protected by HIPAA. Yes, many places have stipulations that if your health could directly impact another persons (through such things as sexual or bodily fluid contact) you have to disclose it to them, but yeah, last time I checked I had not slept with a celebrity, or engaged in any behavior that meant I needed this information.  So that sucks. 

There are many people working so that there are no new people contracting HIV.  This is an absolutely worthy and achievable goal. Whatever you may think about any celebrity's personal life choices, HIV and AIDS are not punishments.  The disease is not specially able to seek out people of a certain stripe and the only reaction on hearing that someone has contracted an illness, even a treatable if incurable one like HIV is sadness.  No one deserves to be sick.  No one has earned illness.  No one. 

A Book Banning You Might Not Expect

So, a school in California has removed a book from the fourth and fifth grade classrooms after concerns were raised that it contained sexually graphic material. The book - the dictionary.
Yes, apparently it was discovered that the word "oral sex" was in the dictionary and the definition states that it is, "oral stimulation of the genitals" (per the linked entry).
Now, I will confess that there was a stage in my life where looking up words about body parts was enough to get me giggling for hours. However, I would argue that the only reason someone would look up oral sex is if they were familiar with the term. (Yes, I suppose an enterprising child might read straight through. If, so they will also discover lots of other words and yay for them.) I think that "oral stimulation of the genitals" is clear without being lascivious and I have to imagine the parents found out because their kids told them which would have been a great opportunity to have a conversation about age appropriate behavior, and sex, which at the very least kids that age should have enough information to combat any misinformation someone tries to give them.
Instead this kid or kids has learned that if you mention the sex word, the book gets taken away. I'm betting they won't mention it again.
PS - I have a Merriam Webster although I'm not particularly brand loyal about dictionaries.
ETA: The dictionary has now been returned and the Toronto Star has five things which is why I like their link best(even if the dictionary is only one of them). Although you will now need parental permission to access the dictionary. Am I the only one reminded of the "Buffy" episode where her mom says takes away the library books concerned that the students might have gotten ideas?

7 Things: Sex and Seniors:

Yeah, not high school seniors, senior citizens. "The Daily Show" segment poked some fun, but as the segment showed there are rising STD rates in the senor citizen population right now. Here's why.
1. Senior citizens are not concerned about pregnancy.
2. Senior citizens often did not get any sort of comprehensive sexual education. (In the "Daily Show" segment, one of the seniors asks if genital warts are really an STD and says he doesn't think they are contagious. Wrong.)
3. Many senior citizens had one partner for so long, they are unaccustomed to having discussions about safe sex with their partners. Or even to ask if they are their partner's only partner right now.
4. Since in the US males tend to die sooner than females, the senior citizen population, particularly in retirement and other senior-based communities, there are significantly less males than females.
5. This does not mean that less female seniors are having sex than male seniors.
6. Many senior citizens are operating under the belief that most of these diseases only happen to other people or, if fatal, probably wouldn't harm them any faster than anything else.
7. Many senior citizens are embarrassed to talk about sex. Leading to them being embarrassed to attend any classes their community might host and to be too embarrassed to discuss safe sex practices with their partners.

Ha!

Fair warning: This entry will talk about sex. Why am I telling you this time? Not sure.

So, some scientists wanted to see what orgasm looks like - from a neurological perspective, of course. So, they stuck folks inside PET scanners and watched the results. So the sensory bits (yes, that's a technical term) - the parts that register touch, light up. The other parts of the brain - thee parts that register tension, stress, judgement, decision making, inhibition, fear and anxiety all stop. This happens to a far greater extent in females as compared to males. So, women turn off their emotions during sex.

Best Non-Spam Email Title? You Decide.

I am on the email list for Military.com. I got this email title in my inbox the other day: Soldiers Say Porn Ban May Hurt Morale.
Hee. The full story is here. I don't really have a horse in this race, as they say, but some thoughts.
First, there is a guy who says he really likes the articles.
I remain unconvinced that looking at naked people makes those who were previously unlikely to do so, more likely to commit sexual assault.
I think while catchy, the title is misleading, since there are fears it would affect a spectrum of magazines aimed at men, including ones that while racy, are generally agreed to not be porn.
I am interested to note that there is no discussion of how this might affect women, nor is there any discussion of how this might affect sales of magazines aimed at women. Perhaps the bases do not currently sell these. (There are women quoted, but they are quoted as to their feelings about men not being able to buy the magazines, although admittedly were they buying the magazines, one imagines they would not be able to tell.)