I'm sure this applies to men dating bad dads also, but I have watched many a female friend, acquaintance, and/or co-worker go through this. In a (vain, I'm sure) attempt to save somebody somewhere some heartbreak, here we go. If he's a crappy dad to the kids he already has, he will be crappy dad to yours. Period. The only exception I can think of to this rule, is if his kids from other relationships have been kidnapped, are in the witness protection program, or some similar reason makes it actually impossible for him to participate in their lives.
So here we go. You begin dating this guy. (And actually I'm sure this advice applies to women who are bad moms to, but again I am defaulting to framing this how I have seen it played out.) You discover that he has child(ren). Assuming this is not a deal breaker for you (hey - for some people it is), you inquire more. You discover that the children (I'm going with the plural here) live with their mother (or some other relative) and he doesn't see them.
This does mean that you won't have to worry about the kids interfering in your lives. This does not mean that he will have plenty of time to tend to kids that you have or will have. No, it means that children are not important to him. That they are your children and not those of the horrible women who trapped him and shriveled his soul will not change this. If he wanted to be a dad, he would be. If having a child was all it took to change his outlook on this, that would have happened already.
I'm not saying that people can't or don't change. Because they do. But, like anything else, when you are presented with a behavioral pattern in your partner, it's silly to expect that it will change, absent proof. Such as his taking an interest in his existing children.
Sample scenarios (the names and situations have been adjusted so as to protect those involved).
Scenario A: Jessie and Justin.
Justin has two children - a boy and girl. They are four and six. They live with their mother Jenny. Jenny and Justin have worked out a deal (without legal action) wherein Justin sends a specified amount of money on a monthly basis. Justin lives across the country from his children and has not seem them since he left Jenny. So Justin and Jessie have two kids of their own. Except that, Justin feels the kids are more Jessie's responsibility. He considers his participation in their care to be babysitting (not parenting) and refuses to sit for more than one at a time. Even if Jessie just needs to run across the hall. And then the relationship started to fall apart (for other reasons). And Jessie had to file for child support since Justin didn't want to continue paying for the kids he wasn't living with anymore. He visited a few times, and then disappeared.
Scenario B: Sandra and Steve
Steve also has two children. They also live with their mother on the other side of the country. Steve does not visit them. Sandra and Steve have a baby. Then, when they are forced to find a new place to live, Steve does not come with Sandra and baby. Sandra doesn't hear from Steve for a while and begins dating other people. Then Steve shows up again and they resume their relationship - which leads to another baby. Except that as she approaches her due date, Steve becomes distant. Sandra files for child support with the courts. Steve reappears and moves back in. (As you may know, you cannot request child support from someone you are living with.) And then he leaves again.
Scenario C: Nick and Nessa
Nick has two children. He shares custody with their mother Nora. This one has a happy ending.
Rants About New (and old) Things
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Wench is not a Bad Word
I am card carrying wench. Really. And what I have noticed is folks using the word wench as if it were some PG version of bitch. And it's not. So I'm here to (try) to set the record straight.
According to Dictionary.com, the primary definition of wench is: "A young woman or girl, especially a peasant girl." So, while it was primarily used to describe those of the peasant class (you know, back when there was one), it essentially means female. So if you want to purse your lips and clench your teeth and call someone, "female", then sure, wench is a fine substitute.
The second definition is "a women servant". And sure, you hear people talking about beer wenches and serving wenches - and I'm okay with that. Although I never hear about beer lads.
The third definition is "a wanton woman". And I think that's where people start thinking it's okay to use the word anytime they want to insult someone, but are too lame or cowardly to use the word they really want to. Because, let's imagine this, "She's such a wanton woman." Yeah, really lacks the sting.
So what I'm getting at here, is - as a card-carrying wench - I think the word is complimentary. So, if you want to insult someone, find a better word. And if you call me a wench - I'll thank you.
The International Wench Guild is copyrighted by Lundegaard Productions.
According to Dictionary.com, the primary definition of wench is: "A young woman or girl, especially a peasant girl." So, while it was primarily used to describe those of the peasant class (you know, back when there was one), it essentially means female. So if you want to purse your lips and clench your teeth and call someone, "female", then sure, wench is a fine substitute.
The second definition is "a women servant". And sure, you hear people talking about beer wenches and serving wenches - and I'm okay with that. Although I never hear about beer lads.
The third definition is "a wanton woman". And I think that's where people start thinking it's okay to use the word anytime they want to insult someone, but are too lame or cowardly to use the word they really want to. Because, let's imagine this, "She's such a wanton woman." Yeah, really lacks the sting.
So what I'm getting at here, is - as a card-carrying wench - I think the word is complimentary. So, if you want to insult someone, find a better word. And if you call me a wench - I'll thank you.
The International Wench Guild is copyrighted by Lundegaard Productions.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Someone Else's TV Show
How cool! http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/02/23/AR2006022301252.html
Girl and Sports Fan - Not a Paradox
Note: Contains reference to a racist sports team name.
So, I am reading a book right now (shocking!), and came across this stereotype which I feel compelled to address. The stereotype is that women don't like or understand sports. I recognize that there are women who don't like and/or understand
sports. But there are men too. But for some reason this stereotype persists. Persist such that people are surprised that I watch football and hockey - and have always done so. They are surprised that I grew up watching football with my parents
(both of them). They are surprised even though most of these people know several women who watch sports. In my office, it was the women who started the football pools (a man did run the basketball pool).
One of the reasons I stopped reading Cosmo and Marie Clare were the eponymous articles about how to meet a man that always included the tip: Go to a sporting event, pretend you enjoy it. That bugs me on so many levels.
Now I did have one discussion with a guy who said that all the sports he watches are sports he plays or has played, so in that sense I am different. I don't know if that is something that truly breaks down across gender lines, but I didn't play
team sports in school. I took tennis and sailing lessons over summers but never achieved a level of competence that encouraged me to continue. (Which is not to say that I was terrible, it is only to say that since I wasn't naturally fabulous, my laziness took over). My dad played football in high school, in part he was short (not hitting the growth spurt until late) and skinny so felt the need to participate in something tough. My mother played field hockey in high school, but she didn't get into NHL hockey until after my brother became interested.
One of my favorite moments from "Ellen" (sitcom, not talk show) was the Thanksgiving episode (Redskins were playing - woo!) where they asked everyone to bring a pie. I have forgotten the character names at this point, but two homosexual men and two
heterosexual men (one played by the amazing Jeremy Piven) are watching the game. There is various cheering and comments as a trick play is executed which we the audience cannot see. One of the heterosexual states that it was a great flea flicker. One of the homosexuals responds that it was actually a reverse because it got handed to another back rather than to the quarterback. The heterosexuals politely pshaw, until the announcers backs up that it was a reverse. Meanwhile, pies have been brought out and the two heterosexual characters are now discussing whether there is a hint of cloves in the pie they are eating, while the two homosexuals continue discussing the game.
I grew up knowing the Redskins players. I knew that the Cowboys were bad. I have clear memories of the Skins trip to the Superbowl. My mother even helped me look up the player roster so I could put the correct numbers on the picture I drew of
Joe Theisman and Darrell Green fishing for Dolphins. I'm on the waiting list for Redskins tickets (fingers crossed, everyone - this could be my year). And I split tickets to the Capitals with my brother one year (if there weren't some many games, I still be doing it). And I accept that not everyone with two X chromosomes feels this way. What bugs me is the assumption that I don't like sports. That that's where the baseline indicator is, in defiance of my experience.
So, I am reading a book right now (shocking!), and came across this stereotype which I feel compelled to address. The stereotype is that women don't like or understand sports. I recognize that there are women who don't like and/or understand
sports. But there are men too. But for some reason this stereotype persists. Persist such that people are surprised that I watch football and hockey - and have always done so. They are surprised that I grew up watching football with my parents
(both of them). They are surprised even though most of these people know several women who watch sports. In my office, it was the women who started the football pools (a man did run the basketball pool).
One of the reasons I stopped reading Cosmo and Marie Clare were the eponymous articles about how to meet a man that always included the tip: Go to a sporting event, pretend you enjoy it. That bugs me on so many levels.
Now I did have one discussion with a guy who said that all the sports he watches are sports he plays or has played, so in that sense I am different. I don't know if that is something that truly breaks down across gender lines, but I didn't play
team sports in school. I took tennis and sailing lessons over summers but never achieved a level of competence that encouraged me to continue. (Which is not to say that I was terrible, it is only to say that since I wasn't naturally fabulous, my laziness took over). My dad played football in high school, in part he was short (not hitting the growth spurt until late) and skinny so felt the need to participate in something tough. My mother played field hockey in high school, but she didn't get into NHL hockey until after my brother became interested.
One of my favorite moments from "Ellen" (sitcom, not talk show) was the Thanksgiving episode (Redskins were playing - woo!) where they asked everyone to bring a pie. I have forgotten the character names at this point, but two homosexual men and two
heterosexual men (one played by the amazing Jeremy Piven) are watching the game. There is various cheering and comments as a trick play is executed which we the audience cannot see. One of the heterosexual states that it was a great flea flicker. One of the homosexuals responds that it was actually a reverse because it got handed to another back rather than to the quarterback. The heterosexuals politely pshaw, until the announcers backs up that it was a reverse. Meanwhile, pies have been brought out and the two heterosexual characters are now discussing whether there is a hint of cloves in the pie they are eating, while the two homosexuals continue discussing the game.
I grew up knowing the Redskins players. I knew that the Cowboys were bad. I have clear memories of the Skins trip to the Superbowl. My mother even helped me look up the player roster so I could put the correct numbers on the picture I drew of
Joe Theisman and Darrell Green fishing for Dolphins. I'm on the waiting list for Redskins tickets (fingers crossed, everyone - this could be my year). And I split tickets to the Capitals with my brother one year (if there weren't some many games, I still be doing it). And I accept that not everyone with two X chromosomes feels this way. What bugs me is the assumption that I don't like sports. That that's where the baseline indicator is, in defiance of my experience.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Popcorn TV
"Grey's Anatomy" is like popcorn. Stay with me here. Grey's was a mid-season add last winter and, as with so many shows, was hyped incessantly during Housewives. I can't tell you if I was brainwashed by the hype, if the ads looked interesting or I was intrigued by a show that had the same name of a movie I happen to like. But some combination of those prompted me to leave the television on ABC after “Desperate Housewives” ended.
And I really enjoyed the first episode. As you may have guessed from the title, Grey's is a hospital drama. The titular character is Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) who, along with four others, is a surgical intern at Seattle Grace Hospital assigned to resident Dr. Miranda Bailey (Chandra Wilson) who is known as the Nazi. The interns are starting their first year Meredith suffers from voice-over-itis, much in the way of Ally McBeal or Carrie Bishop. And there are days and time when I like the bookending or transitioning effect of these voiceovers, and days when I want her to shush.
We start the episode (and the day) at Meredith's mother's house where we find her and the attractive gentleman she met at a bar last night. Meredith politely but firmly brushes him off as she heads off to her first day as an intern. Her fellow interns are Isabel "Izzie" Stevens (Katherine Heigl), Christina Yang (Sandra Oh), and George O'Malley (T.R. Knight). (Alex Karev (Justin Chambers) later gets added to their group). Meredith's first case requires the assistance of Seattle Grace's new neurosurgeon, Dr. Derek Shepherd (Patrick Dempsey), who also is Meredith's one night stand.
There is also Dr. Preston Burke (Isaiah Washington), whose specialty is cardiology, and who has sparks with Christina. And Dr. Richard Webber (James Pickens, Jr.), chief of surgery, who was an intern at Seattle Grace at the same time as renowned Dr. Ellis Grey, Meredith's mother.
We soon learn that Meredith's mother has Alzheimer's, and rather than traveling the world - the story she has asked Meredith to share with those who ask - is now living in a nursing home where she drifts back to the days of being an intern herself.
As you may already suspect, Grey's is more about the relationships than the cases. In contrast to "Law & Order", the cases are excuses to help us learn about the doctors. The cases are often wonderful and fascinating, but they are not the center of the story. The cases are more like dates, where we discover new tidbits about these characters.
So, back to popcorn. Well, I told you why I first watched the show. And I enjoyed the (very attractive, not that that matters) characters - especially the wonderful Sandra Oh. The nitpicker in me enjoys the fact that in surgeries on Grey's they always wear face masks (I'm looking at you, "ER"). It has the interesting effect of forcing you to look at their eyes, to try and see what they really mean. But it wasn't must see TV (to use the cliche). I didn't add it to my Season Pass. I watched it because it was on after something else I watched. It was popcorn - light, fluffy and undemanding.
But then something happened. Slowly I started to care about these characters. I sympathized with Meredith and Derek (aka McDreamy) as they dealt with a relationship that had started outside the hospital and shouldn't continue because of their current working relationship, and yet they were constantly together because of their working relationship. I started to love the seemingly prickly Dr. Bailey. I wondered if George would pine after Meredith forever, and if Meredith would ever seem to notice. I learned how Izzie put herself through medical school modeling, and how she relieved stress baking. I wondered if the arrogant player Alex really had the secret pain he teased about.
One of the interesting things about “Grey’s Anatomy” is that each of their characters is so different, so wonderfully flawed, and yet I can find of piece of myself in each of them. That’s not easy to do. But after each episode, I wanted more. Of course, that can also be what annoys you about the show, we hope for our fictional characters to make better choices than we would.
And suddenly, after Housewives had dropped off of my radar, Grey's became an important part of my Sunday. It was added to my Season Pass. And I'm sitting here thinking, but this is my popcorn show! And then I realized, it still was. Popcorn has few calories (unless you load it with stuff) but it has carbohydrates and fiber. And it turns out popcorn is recommended by all sorts of experts as a smart snack. And it's addictive. Okay, now I'm hungry. And you should be too – so, go eat!
And I really enjoyed the first episode. As you may have guessed from the title, Grey's is a hospital drama. The titular character is Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) who, along with four others, is a surgical intern at Seattle Grace Hospital assigned to resident Dr. Miranda Bailey (Chandra Wilson) who is known as the Nazi. The interns are starting their first year Meredith suffers from voice-over-itis, much in the way of Ally McBeal or Carrie Bishop. And there are days and time when I like the bookending or transitioning effect of these voiceovers, and days when I want her to shush.
We start the episode (and the day) at Meredith's mother's house where we find her and the attractive gentleman she met at a bar last night. Meredith politely but firmly brushes him off as she heads off to her first day as an intern. Her fellow interns are Isabel "Izzie" Stevens (Katherine Heigl), Christina Yang (Sandra Oh), and George O'Malley (T.R. Knight). (Alex Karev (Justin Chambers) later gets added to their group). Meredith's first case requires the assistance of Seattle Grace's new neurosurgeon, Dr. Derek Shepherd (Patrick Dempsey), who also is Meredith's one night stand.
There is also Dr. Preston Burke (Isaiah Washington), whose specialty is cardiology, and who has sparks with Christina. And Dr. Richard Webber (James Pickens, Jr.), chief of surgery, who was an intern at Seattle Grace at the same time as renowned Dr. Ellis Grey, Meredith's mother.
We soon learn that Meredith's mother has Alzheimer's, and rather than traveling the world - the story she has asked Meredith to share with those who ask - is now living in a nursing home where she drifts back to the days of being an intern herself.
As you may already suspect, Grey's is more about the relationships than the cases. In contrast to "Law & Order", the cases are excuses to help us learn about the doctors. The cases are often wonderful and fascinating, but they are not the center of the story. The cases are more like dates, where we discover new tidbits about these characters.
So, back to popcorn. Well, I told you why I first watched the show. And I enjoyed the (very attractive, not that that matters) characters - especially the wonderful Sandra Oh. The nitpicker in me enjoys the fact that in surgeries on Grey's they always wear face masks (I'm looking at you, "ER"). It has the interesting effect of forcing you to look at their eyes, to try and see what they really mean. But it wasn't must see TV (to use the cliche). I didn't add it to my Season Pass. I watched it because it was on after something else I watched. It was popcorn - light, fluffy and undemanding.
But then something happened. Slowly I started to care about these characters. I sympathized with Meredith and Derek (aka McDreamy) as they dealt with a relationship that had started outside the hospital and shouldn't continue because of their current working relationship, and yet they were constantly together because of their working relationship. I started to love the seemingly prickly Dr. Bailey. I wondered if George would pine after Meredith forever, and if Meredith would ever seem to notice. I learned how Izzie put herself through medical school modeling, and how she relieved stress baking. I wondered if the arrogant player Alex really had the secret pain he teased about.
One of the interesting things about “Grey’s Anatomy” is that each of their characters is so different, so wonderfully flawed, and yet I can find of piece of myself in each of them. That’s not easy to do. But after each episode, I wanted more. Of course, that can also be what annoys you about the show, we hope for our fictional characters to make better choices than we would.
And suddenly, after Housewives had dropped off of my radar, Grey's became an important part of my Sunday. It was added to my Season Pass. And I'm sitting here thinking, but this is my popcorn show! And then I realized, it still was. Popcorn has few calories (unless you load it with stuff) but it has carbohydrates and fiber. And it turns out popcorn is recommended by all sorts of experts as a smart snack. And it's addictive. Okay, now I'm hungry. And you should be too – so, go eat!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)